Nick Poole

As we continue my series on ‘The Pain of Ministry’ I want to tackle one of the deepest and most difficult pains you can experience, relationships. It’s a given that when you are in ministry you’re going to be ‘in the mud’ with people as they walk through some of their deepest hurts and most traumatic seasons of their lives. This is why most choose ministry…to help those who are hurting.

The struggle of relationships in ministry, though, is rarely those that are evidently going through pain that you’re caring for. It’s those you are serving alongside. Those you trust. Those that you’ve journeyed with. Those you have history with and have a reason to think will extend the same goodwill back to you.

When those relationships crumble, or worse turn against you, the pain is so much deeper because it’s unexpected. It causes you to question other relationships and even can lead some pastors to close off parts of their heart to not get hurt like that again.

If you find yourself in that place. If you feel deeply misunderstood. If the attacks seem to discount the sacrifices you’ve made. If you find yourself trying to quantify if what you have done in ministry is worth the return on that investment, then this is for you. The following paragraphs are not about justifying or even minimizing what you’ve walked through, but hopefully meeting you in the mess to bring some measure of clarity.

Before we get too far down the road, I want to encourage you to pause. Recognize the pain you’ve experienced, not to rehash the people that have wronged you, but to acknowledge what you’ve walked through and the scars you still carry. Allow yourself a moment to echo the words of King David in Psalm 6:

² Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
³ My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

So what do we do when those you’ve stood up for, invested in and believed in turn on you? How do you handle the deep wounds inflicted by someone you’ve been vulnerable toward, someone you thought was safe but turns out to not be?

Human nature would say, you pull back. You restrict. Don’t trust in that way again. Don’t be as open with those you’re leading or serving alongside. It’s not worth the pain. It’s not worth the price.

I’ve felt that. I’ve even believed these ideas because it doesn’t seem to be worth it sometimes. When others twist facts, turn others against you, in those moments the truth seems completely upside down and the price seems too great to pay.

Maybe you’ve found yourself in those places. You don’t know which way is up. You don’t know who to trust. You don’t know why you even got into this in the first place?

Can I encourage you for a moment, if you find yourself licking the wounds of ‘friendly fire’…Dig into that last question a little more. Why did you get into ministry in the first place? What was the real reason? What was the goal?

If you stepped into ministry so people would like you, you’re in deep trouble. If it was so everything would go smoothly, you’re going to be sadly disappointed. What was it that led you into pursuing this incredible calling and mission? For most, it’s not the comforts, the affirmation or the accolades, it’s the people. Ministry is always first and foremost about people.

We do what we do for the people. Jesus died for the people. We give, we sacrifice, we invest for the people.

And so the enemy’s great scheme is to get us off track and cause us to drift from our ultimate mission of caring for and ministering to people. He strives to create wounds that shift us and cause ministry to become more about the tasks, the responsibilities and the machine because it feels ‘safer’ to us. This tool of distraction is the same ploy the enemy has been using since the beginning of human existence.

But if you’ve been hurt…if the relational wounds of ministry run deep, here are a few suggestions from someone that’s walked that same painful path.

First, allow yourself the space to heal. We are so quick to jump into the next thing, the next opportunity, or the next ministry door that opens. Before you do any of that, acknowledge the pain and put yourself in a place where healing is possible. That might be simply slowing down, taking extra time in prayer and with Jesus, or even sitting down with a Therapist to process what you’ve walked through. Healing will never be accidental but must be intentional.

Second, think back to why you stepped into ministry. What was it that God put on your heart at the beginning? Strive to recapture that why. Don’t allow the pain or the hurt to rob you of the why God divinely placed upon you. This isn’t an attempt to go back in time and relive the glory days, but to recalibrate what the enemy has attempted to dismantle…your calling. Try creating a timeline of your life and mapping out what were the moments that led you toward ministry, and how could even the painful moments you’ve walked through since become tools for ministry moving forward? You see, a calling is never the promise of an easy path or journey, but it’s a guarantee that there’s purpose, even in the pain.

Finally, give yourself permission to slowly ease back into that calling. This doesn’t necessarily mean jumping head first into the deep end of the pool, but slowly treading into the waters of ministry to find your feet again. Practically, that could mean volunteering in a low-commitment role. That might mean serving alongside and supporting someone else in ministry you trust. And while pain is real…hurt is not to be ignored…and scars last forever…none of those should create a barrier that robs you of the very thing God created you to do: love Him and out of that love serve others.

So for those hurting, know that there are people who believe in you. There is a God who deeply loves you. What others have said about you, done to you, or inflicted upon you are not a reflection of the God who created you. God has not given up on you because you still have more in this story to be written. Through times of healing, periods of prayer and reflection, and recapturing the vision for ministry God first gave you, you can do the difficult work of turning the page of painful relationships and minister again. And often you’ll do so in an even more meaningful way because you’re caring for those who are taking some of the same paths of pain you’ve been healed from.